“A wise man invites rebuke and a fool goes head on along in his stubbornness”.

(Proverbs 17:10)

Applying a new application and to compliment the SASHET TOOL exercise we do in fellowship. It’s an object tool to improve communication. When you play this card you are saying you want to share your transparent thoughts. It allows the user to be able to be brutally honest in conversation. It encourages innovation that can solve problems before they happen. It’s a cool way to remind us that we need to have a high level of honesty. Also, honour one another for being honest in putting out their truth on a matter.

When you have a family, a relationship or fellowship issue this exercise might cause an argument or be controversial when you play the card. If you’re not honest things can go badly quickly.

Controlled Emotional Explosion

This tool helps manage a ‘controlled emotional explosion.’

You have to listen and you are not allowed to interrupt or give any advice to the person speaking until they are finished and have picked up their card stating they’re finished. Only when they invite questions or ask prayer are you allowed to engage immediately after they have finished. It’s a free
monologue with high levels of honesty that enable high levels of trust. Without authenticity there is no attachment.

Safe space means trusted space and it should not be abused. It takes a certain amount of emotional skill and strength. It also takes emotional intelligence and courage and we need to be the forerunner of this because Jesus is our God. We all tend to avoid conflict and we get the classic 4 responses in honesty; fight, flight, fawning and freezing. None of them come out with a pleasant solution.

We have to take a mature stance to face it because all conflict delayed is conflict multiplied. We have to have a conflict brain in relationships. If it does not happen it builds up and ends in divorce, firing, resignation etc. The way you deal with conflict reveals the health of a community, marriage or relationship.

This card is a regular offence check in. Human relationships pick up static and they are like a big fur ball which just grows junk sometimes and we need a way to release it.

This card is a symbol that you value a high degree of honesty and have learned not to dive bomb or attack or use it as a weapon against someone. It takes courage to share and the receiver needs to accept with humility, respect and sensitivity. It takes emotional strength not to react, by having a thick skin and a tender heart.

The enemy wants us to believe that we are alone but once you start confessing and walking in transparency you will discover that it was a lie all the time, you are not alone. God recognizes we are alone and provides a safe space and once you discover that you have a friend or a partner it is powerful. Where 2 agree so shall it be a powerful weapon against the enemy’s lies. Agree to the truth.

This is a tool to prevent divisiveness, because when there is transparency it prevents disunity, envy, strife and gossip. It strengthens the bond of love and relationships. The enemy likes to divide and conquer by bringing division. Once it’s in the open and in the light it loses its power.

Psalm 133:1, 3 Behold, how good and pleasant it is when brothers dwell in unity! [3] It is like the dew of Hermon, which falls on the mountains of Zion! For there the LORD has commanded the blessing, life forevermore.

If you don’t have the trust to share and be open and vulnerable because you know that what you say will not be kept in confidence, people isolate themselves. You need people you can rely on to keep it safe and to whom you can be honest.

When you’re not transparent you are false and pretend. Transparency does not give the enemy a foothold. Clear your closet. It takes courage and humility and whatever is in the light is sterilised. The safe space card is the mask breaker.

You should share at an appropriate level for appropriate space given. E.g. husband and wife issues are not appropriate in a church context. It’s not intelligent to share all your life secrets in the first 5 minutes of meeting someone. In churches the mask is a problem because the persona does not encourage growth. It’s continuing a lie. The safe space card is a silver bullet that deals with the mask.

When you listen, receive and learn and don’t get offended. We have different ways we protect our hearts and we have all been wounded because we are alive. Dead men feel no pain. Sin brought the fall, but thanks be to God for Jesus, His blood and reconciliation. We are works in progress on this
journey of sanctification which is by faith. This tool will progress maturing faster.

Playing the card gives the speaker immunity from the groups responses. As the listener you withhold the right to attack what is communicated or defend your actions.

Communication is important, and it’s not only in what you say but how you say it. Guard your heart and keep your words tender because you might have to eat them yourself. Be aware of accusations, judgements and assumptions.

Do not use the safe space opportunity to respond or react to what someone just spoke about in their session towards you, by explaining why you did what you did. The Safe Space is simply stating what you feel and where you’re at. Afterwards, if that person invites a response or explanation from you,
you may give your reasons. Otherwise that person does not feel heard.

Safe space is a ‘box’, and it can be messy, but it cannot be used as an opportunity to accuse someone. It’s not a plaintive-defensive court case to try and prove who is right. You are plainly stating what did I do wrong and you did wrong, and how can we learn from this together. If it’s only what I did wrong it’s not a safe space anymore, but also what you could have done better, that’s why I need to feel safe in what I’m saying and not bombed. You need to be robust and have a thick skin and a tender heart.

It must be your feelings and what is burning in your heart at the moment. It’s not a place of stating and responding regardless of what was said, but an opportunity to listen to someone’s heart and to take it away and reflect on what was said.

Wisdom says correct me, I assume I can learn and stubbornness rejects wise counsel and keeps going in his path being unteachable. Safe space is what I can learn and do better and what you can do better. There are 2 parties involved, either a group or an individual and no one comes off perfect.

The challenge is to listen without becoming offended, self-justifying or defensive. You need a high level of no judgement involved, the space of freedom to say what you’ve done, what you could have done better and what others could have done better. Otherwise there is no safety involved and only a chat.

The danger in such a session is triggers and offenses and that is why a thick skin and a soft tender heart are required. Don’t be too sensitive because we want to learn and not stare ourselves blind against the offence and not focusing on the learning. We can’t be overly sensitive, this is emotional
maturity. This is difficult – it’s not meant to be easy.

The safe space is not only to voice offences or grievances but also to acknowledge physical challenges, financial and practical needs. Sharing a burden means you are not carrying it alone anymore but the weight is shared amongst us.

Once the cards have been played and picked up, the space is still safe for responses. Now that everyone has been courageous in sharing, now resolution needs to be found. Now there is a much better understanding of each other, even if we might disagree. At least you have a better, more
acute understanding of each other.

God uses each ones strengths and weaknesses to purify our hearts and minds while we help someone through their tough spot. It is a double edged sword that cuts both ways, into both hearts. Be careful not to over correct or assume you know what the person needs. Not one case is the same and we cannot use a cookie cutter method on every situation. Trust the Spirit to guide in every circumstance.

IN SUMMARY

What matters is not the spilt milk, but that we clean up and learn how not to spill milk again. How you tripped and slipped on that milk. We all make mistakes and trip and sometimes create sour milk, (Amazi & cheese). The Spirit is our detergent, through vulnerable transparent discussions and we can clean it up and learn. We all have little trigger trips and we need to learn to recognize those obstacles we trip over.

We become sensitive to each other’s sensitivities and we now have info what to pray for. The outcome is less important to God than the inward reality of your heart, your character disposition to the body and to Christ. Because He loves us, He will refine us and bring up to the surface the debris, and that is called purification and sanctification.

What is important is how you handle the curve ball or spilt milk. Do you run, hide, fight, stab, fawn, blame or accuse, but deal with the spilt milk? This is true in all types of relationships; marriage, business, relationships etc.

Learn to care enough for each another and have their back. Not a misguided human loyalty, but a loyalty to scriptural truth. All loyalty, but to Christ alone, is disloyalty to Christ. Be wary of gossip, murmuring, offence and lies. An offence shared over and over with others tends to gather untruths and
pulled out of proportion.

Be aware of responses and offences and be willing to humbly receive admonishing and have a truly repentant response. A man can look perfect when he is seated, but ask him to stand up and do anything; you’ll see how clumsy or how mature he is.

They key thing is not the pawpaw hitting the fan, but to make fruit salad.

IN CLOSING ON THE TOPIC OF THE SAFE CARD

Eph 4:1-7 I THEREFORE, the prisoner for the Lord, appeal to and beg you to walk (lead a life) worthy of the [divine] calling to which you have been called [with behavior that is a credit to the summons to God’s service, [2] Living as becomes you] with complete lowliness of mind (humility) and meekness
(unselfishness, gentleness, mildness), with patience, bearing with one another and making allowances because you love one another. [3] Be eager and strive earnestly to guard and keep the harmony and oneness of [and produced by] the Spirit in the binding power of peace. [4] [There is] one body and one Spirit–just as there is also one hope [that belongs] to the calling you received—[5] [There is] one Lord, one faith, one baptism, [6] One God and Father of [us] all, Who is above all [Sovereign over all], pervading all and [living] in [us] all. [7] Yet grace (God’s unmerited favor) was given to each of us individually [not indiscriminately, but in different ways] in proportion to the measure of Christ’s [rich and bounteous] gift.